Day Six: The rattling of the stick

Posted by graham - 25 July 2006 at 8:00am - 0 Comments

I haven't checked whether it was another record breaker, but today was bloody hot. Feeling somewhat grubby when I arrived at the motor show, I decided to take a stroll over to the Galaxy First Class Lounge to pay a visit to my barber, Amir Dastgir.

Amir is a First Class barber, it's written all over his face in the shape of a beard designed by Euclid and laser sculpted by NASA. So precisely defined it's got a ten page entry in the OED, so sharp it cuts itself. I relax into the reclining chair, gazing up at the racing car nailed twenty feet up on the wall, and within minutes the only discernable difference between my head and a baby's bottom is a pair of eyebrows.

"What are you doing tonight?" asks Amir.
"Tonight?" I stammer, surprised but still slightly flattered.
"Not you mate." chuckles Amir and gives one of the spokesmobels an immaculately framed smile.

I've never had a wet shaved head before, and I like it. You don't get this level of smooveness from an electric razor. Why did we think electric razors were a good idea? When they first came out they must have seemed very like our new electric air fresheners. Why does it need a plug? Because it's electric. Why is it electric? Because electricity is the future my boy. The consumtion of power (power being written in chromed capitals) somehow increases value, and that's a principle taken to its illogical conclusion at the motor show.

The bicycle on top of the new Hummer H3 is not only more efficient than its hulking plinth, but just about the most efficient machine ever invented. It'll be quite a while before we have cars that can do fifty miles on a pint of water and a sandwich. We need to start to take on board that technology isn't to be valued by how many exhaust pipes or flashing lights it has, this is the brand of conspicuous consumption and childlike fascination with loud, shiny objects that's got to be put put behind us if we're going to keep tolerably cool.

After my shave, I saunter gleamingly away to the shiny Nivea For Men Hummer (yes, really) to collect some free men's grooming products for the proper care and maintainance of my newly chromed dome. I receive a Nivea For Men pack, which I hope isn't exclusively shampoo as I normally use soap on my eyebrows.

Those of you who've been to a motorshow will know the golden rule, the more impressive the stand, the less impressive the cars. Ford, not renowned for luxury or high performance, have a racing car and a 'First Class Lounge' with barbers and masseusses. The presentation is an attempt to mask perceived flaws in the brand, and so Nivea For Men need a Hummer, and Hummer need a bicycle.

Which brings us to this week's competition.

The Top Gear stand has a number of 'promotion girls' wearing 'I LOVE MUSCLE CARS' T-shirts and selling copies of their magazine, an enormous screen emitting huge quantities of Clarkson into the atmosphere, a life-size plastic model of a sports car, and three old, rather delapidated vehicles converted in a semi-serious fashion to be amphibious.

There's a Toyota pick-up with an outboard, a VW camper van tricked out like a narrowboat, and a Ford Anglia with a sail.