Welcome to my weekend. Today is the start of my SUV (stupid ugly vehicle) rant. I'm afraid it may spill over into next week, but what with this weather I've built up quite alot of steam that needs letting off. Next time I find myself blogging in a good mood, we'll have a look at the positive technical developments in low emissions technology, but not today. Today we're documenting the deal we're getting in exchange for our future, and it's a shitty deal. Next time you laugh at the Manahata indians for selling their island for $24 dollars, remember that we're busy swapping the most beautiful planet in the known universe for some of the stupidest, ugliest bits of bad design the industrial era has seen.
Firstly, a little recap of why environmentalists tend to have a slight lack of enthusiasm for these ghastly abominations. For the full horrifying details, please have a look at our website, but to summarise, driving an SUV in town has all the practical benefits of filling your boot with bricks and putting blades on your bumpers. The net result is global warming as severe and sudden as that which caused the end of the Permian period 251 million years ago - the disappearance of over 90% of species in under a century.
So, if the stake we're putting up is life on earth, what's the prize? Lurch forward, the £63,000 Supercharged Range Rover Sport HST (that's 'Higher Specification Trim'). Only Tim Westwood is actually likely to buy one of these ridiculous monstrosities, but as the purest example of a stupid, ugly Land Rover, it illustrates the flaws of the whole sector. I'm not just upset about its mileage being worse than the Ford Model 'T', I'm upset by the very hideousness of the thing. It's got deep skirts and spoilers and such a low ride that, well, let's let Geoff, the Land Rover design director, describe it for us:
"The HST gives the Range Rover Sport an especially impressive stance, hunkered down tight to the road," says Land Rover design director, Geoff Upex. "It's the extreme version of the Range Rover Sport, the design that will be chosen by those who want to stand out from the crowd."
More from Geoff later.
It also has 'privacy glass', and the version at the show appears to have that strange, blue under-lighting which is so much admired on the Romford Ring Road and Southend Strip. The only way this chav-mobile could be any more pimped is if they replaced the back seats with super woofers pumping out R Kelly.They may have already done this - the privacy glass makes it difficult to tell.
But it's an off-road vehicle, isn't it? It's a 4x4, it's a Land Rover, it's got big wheels under very, very slightly bigger arches, it may not be the vehicle of choice when Oxfam want to deliver vaccines to Mogadishu, but it's still a Land Rover, isn't it?
Yes, don't you worry, old-school purists, it's still a Land Rover. You just have to remove the 'chin-spoiler' before leaving the tarmac. I kid you not. Oh, and probably the under-lighting. You might want to jack the suspension up a little too. Or, better still, just put a bike in the back. This is beyond satire - an off road vehicle you have to partially dismantle to drive off road. Could Land Rover get any stupider?
Of course they could. They could produce something like the 'All New Freelander 2', revealed to an expectant world for the very first time at the British International Motor Show. I wonder what Geoff has to say about this little carbuncle:
"Though the genes of the highly successful original Freelander are still clearly recognisable," says Land Rover design director, Geoff Upex,"the new model looks more premium and more grown-up, without losing it's sense of fun."
Sorry, Geoff, but it doesn't look 'more premium'. What it looks, Geoff, is like a a Kia sponsored by EasyJet. Hang your head in shame, Geoff. You've created the three most hideous things in England - these two cars, and the phrase 'more premium'.
Geoff, you are a wanker of the first water, and I want my planet back.
Tomorrow, I shall endeavour to find something nice to say about Land Rover. Not that Geoff's making it easy.
