The essential Greenpeace guide to surviving a shark attack

Posted by Willie — 6 August 2013 at 10:36am - Comments
All rights reserved. Credit: Willie Mackenzie
Giving a hungry shark something else to chew on might be a good tactic.

It’s Shark Week. Despite us trying to tell you otherwise, some of you still worry about getting chomped by a shark. So, to allay your fears and help give you some practical ways to avoid being shark sushi, here is the handy Greenpeace guide to avoiding shark attacks.

Stay out of the water. Up ‘til now all shark attacks on humans have happened in the sea. And recently scientists concluded that the chances of a real-life Sharknado happening are pretty damn remote. So you should be fine. Probably.

What? You’re sure you want to go in the water? Hmm. Okay so then you need to know your shark species. Only a small number of the world’s 350+ shark species are big enough or brave enough to have a go at a human, so if you must take a dip, know what’s likely to be lurking. And don’t think it’s a size thing: the biggest sharks are the most harmless since they only eat tiny plankton and couldn’t swallow you if they tried. Not in one piece, anyway.

Next best thing? Be a woman. Seriously, 90% of shark attacks are on men, which means one of two things: men taste better, or sharks know which is the stronger sex.

Tempt fate. There’s more chance of you being killed by a falling coconut, a vending machine or an electric toaster, so why not have toast for breakfast, stop off at the vending machine en route and walk under some palm trees on the way to the beach?

Oh yeah. Do not, under any circumstances, look like a seal. Sharks capable of mankind-munching are often very partial to picking off a blubbery seal or two. So dressing up as a seal before you take the plunge would be pretty stupid.

In fact any animal dress up costume would be silly. Unless maybe a killer whale, they might steer clear of that (unless it’s a cheap costume and you look more like a panda with a fin, you’ll have no hope then).

Take snacks. As any visitor to the Scottish Highlands knows, the only sure-fire way to avoid being devoured by fierce midges is to take along a companion who they think is more tasty. So if you’re going in the water, why not take along something else that might tempt any menacing shark to pass you by. Sharks have varied and eclectic diets, some things found in their stomachs include: bits of polar bear, car license plates; oil cans; chickens; a chicken coop; cans of paint, and; an unopened can of sardines. That might give you some handy suggestions of what to take. You’re gonna need a bigger bag.

One thing you could pack that might disorient a hungry shark is use a magnet. It’s believed that this disrupts their electrical senses. For safety’s sake you probably should get a big one, ideally the sort that Wile E Coyote might obtain from the Acme company to try and catch the Roadrunner. Be warned though, this might weigh you down, and the cartoon attempts are rarely successful.

And finally, if all else fails and you’ve got into the water and the extremely-unlikely happens that you are attacked by a shark – there is one failsafe last resort : Call Mr T., and pity da fool shark.

About Willie

Hi, I'm Willie, I work with Greenpeace on all things ocean-related

Twitter: @williemackenzie

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