In the wake of an unsuccessful sojourn to the arctic last year and halting all arctic drilling intentions in 2013, Shell has much to ponder. Thankfully, they have all year to figure out a new plan (the same plan?) for tackling that pesky ice that inconveniently sits in between them and all that oil. I thought it only fair to offer up an actionable business strategy that they would be wise to consider, of course, assuming they haven't done so already.
Step One: eliminate all programs and research into biofuels or alternative energy sources. It just distracts from the task at hand.
Step Two: ???
Step Three: profit!
Step Four: Shell need a PR win. Oil needs to be seen in a positive light again. In fact, light! It's staring them brightly in the face. Bring back oil lamps, spend all saved money on discarded research and fired personnel into bringing back the oil lamp. Vintage is hip.
Step Five: people like animals. It's a pain. However, try to turn this to your advantage! Employ some of these arctic critters at Shell international. Give a polar bear a hard-hat and tie and they will support you (FACT). All they want is the chance to sustain their bear children and bear grandchildren with the long term economic promise of oil.
Step Six: punish Waitrose for the failure to stand by Shell. Issue a forecourt injunction forbidding the presence of Waitrose outlets at their gas stations. That will show 'em, see how they squirm.
Step Seven: with much of your arctic equipment failing all kinds of safety tests for the arctic environment it's high time to make use of this potentially wasted expense. Turn this hardware into shiny metal gifts! Xmas tree decorations, fridge magnets, Shell collectibles and so forth. Just in time for Christmas 2013. Or whenever. Who wouldn't want a piece of history? The equipment that failed to meet safety standards for the arctic! Sign me up for the first batch of shell fridge magnets. After they've been safety tested of course... I'm not an idiot.
Step Eight: BP dominated international headlines in 2010 with their 'deepwater horizon' and are taking advantage of the fanfare by supposedly giving billions of dollars to communities around the Gulf of Mexico! They've stolen a march on Shell, certainly. Shell needs to make the international community aware of all the good work it does in Nigeria, for example, and how they are providing employment in the highest reaches of the Nigerian government for friends of Shell. It's high time Shell stopped other oil and gas companies from hogging the media limelight. First to the arctic, first to everything. No such thing as bad press.
If this eight point plan is followed to the letter then crisis will be averted. A failure to comply with these suggestions will no doubt mean a victory for those damned environmentalists with their concerns and stuff. Obviously I welcome comment from Shells' senior staff regarding the finer points of any of these steps. No doubt they have questions about battle testing this innovative strategy. I'm around all (most) year.
Sincerely yours,
R.
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