Part of the Greenpeace Motor Show blog

Despite my fears of being blugeoned to death by furious Top Gear fans with the mocking, satanic laughter of JC (he's not the messiah...) ringing in my ears and various carbon oxides burning in my nostrils, it would appear that the motor show is survivable, with the correct guide. So, as a mark of my gratitude I've decided to let the remaining twenty six mistakes in their token 'green' page remain uncorrected.

OK, I've finished my yoga session, there's a whale pod on my I-pod and the valium's kicking in nicely. I think I may be ready to have another look at the Motor Show Survival Guide's take on 'Going Green'.

Today I picked up a free copy of the British International Motor Show Survival Guide. How to survive the motor show. Many of you may be thinking this is typical macho petrolhead bullshit, but the motor show is a pretty hostile environment. It's extraordinarily hot, for a start, and it's not exactly a vegetarian's paradise. The stench of burning entrails (burgers to you) is everywhere, mingling with the contrails from City Airport and the exhaust fumes from a dozen SUVs and some Mazdas. Plus the whole place has that wierd new-car-interior smell, which just has to be at least mildly toxic.

I haven't checked whether it was another record breaker, but today was bloody hot. Feeling somewhat grubby when I arrived at the motor show, I decided to take a stroll over to the Galaxy First Class Lounge to pay a visit to my barber, Amir Dastgir.

Amir is a First Class barber, it's written all over his face in the shape of a beard designed by Euclid and laser sculpted by NASA. So precisely defined it's got a ten page entry in the OED, so sharp it cuts itself. I relax into the reclining chair, gazing up at the racing car nailed twenty feet up on the wall, and within minutes the only discernable difference between my head and a baby's bottom is a pair of eyebrows.

Part of the Greenpeace Motor Show blog

So, to round up the SUV rant, what's the overall picture here? Well it's more Bosch than Constable, I'm afraid.

Despite a few little green shoots coming up through the tarmac, the dominant impression is that 4x4s are set to continue grabbing market share for a bit longer. The reason why I think this, in flagrant contradiction to the motor show guide, is that just about every manufacturer is now producing them.

Welcome to my weekend. Today is the start of my SUV (stupid ugly vehicle) rant. I'm afraid it may spill over into next week, but what with this weather I've built up quite alot of steam that needs letting off. Next time I find myself blogging in a good mood, we'll have a look at the positive technical developments in low emissions technology, but not today. Today we're documenting the deal we're getting in exchange for our future, and it's a shitty deal. Next time you laugh at the Manahata indians for selling their island for $24 dollars, remember that we're busy swapping the most beautiful planet in the known universe for some of the stupidest, ugliest bits of bad design the industrial era has seen.